I know that we have discussed this before but after the last post where we discussed the cost of having children I started to think…Is my choice to not have children a smart financial decision, a selfish choice, or am I just flat out being a total commitment coward?
With the recent break up of my entire family because of my step mother’s violent actions, I haven’t spoke to my father or my sister since October. For the first time in my entire life I will be spending the holidays without my family. My recent family break up has me reflecting on my choice not to have a family of my own.
I am thinking that it may be time to start my own family, but something is stopping me (other than the fact that I am not married to my boyfriend Nick). I don’t know why I am afraid to have kids. Maybe it is because my parents’ divorce totally split up our family, and it changed my relationship with my parents and my sister forever. Maybe it is because when parents divorce and new families merge together new (forced) family members do not always get along. Maybe it is because that I would never want my kids to resent me like I currently resent my Dad. I have never been more confused, angry, or sad in my entire life. I would not want my child to feel this way. Or maybe, just maybe, it is because I am a total commitment coward.
Several other reasons such as massive time consumption, extreme financial costs, and the life time commitment of having a child also scare me, actually they completely terrify me. I am honestly starting to question if my decision not to have kids is a smart decision or a cowardly choice.
Am I really so selfish that I can’t make time for another person in my life? Am I really so self centered that I cannot make room for another human being? I would like to think the answer is no, but it appears to be the honest truth for the time being.
I am also afraid that I will fail. What happens if I commit to having a child and then I cannot live up to my financial obligation? There are so many unwanted and under privileged children in the world, I definitely don’t want my child to be one of them.
(Photo By Faithful Chant)