Do you share everything in your relationship?

by Kristina on March 29, 2011 · 7 comments

“Sure, you’re sharing a life, but that doesn’t mean you need to share everything.”

As DINKS we have merged our own lives with our spouse’s lives.  This includes personal belongings, individual views, and families.  When we are in a couple my time becomes our time, and my ideas become our reality; does that mean that my money has to become our money?

I have to be honest that I don’t always share all of my own personal money with my boyfriend Nick. Sometimes I eat out and I don’t offer to bring him any food, sometimes I go out with my friends and he says home, and sometimes I really feel guilty about it.  But then the financial planner inside of me kicks in, and I think to myself “Hey, it’s my money, we aren’t married, and we don’t have to share everything.”

The perfect DINKS equation is Relationship + Money – Kids = DINKS.  In our perfect relationships where do total honesty and open communication fit into that perfect DINKS equation?

According to MSN when we merge ourselves into a marriage, we don’t necessarily have to merge every other aspect of our lives.  There are some aspects of our (individual) personal lives that should be kept out of our (joint) relationships.

Here are some things that we should keep apart so that we can keep our relationship together:

Holidays. With broken families and merging families, the holidays can be very complicated times.  Sometimes it is just easier to go our separate ways during the holidays to avoid potential complications in our relationships.  This is definitely a rule in my relationship, I travel home to my family during the holidays and my boyfriend Nick stays alone at our home.  I can’t say that I blame him because my family can definitely be a handful.  With my Step Mothers recent unpleasantness and violent behaviour I am happy to say that I no longer have to deal with my family during the holidays. Since October I have spent the holidays at home with Nick.

Money. We should share expenses but keep our credit cards and bank accounts separate.  We can share the costs of living without merging our money.  Each person in the relationship pays their share of the monthly bills, and all other money matters are better left unmerged.

Vacations. We may be the perfect couple, but this doesn’t mean that we share the same idea about the perfect vacation.  It is ok to travel separately and still be in a happy couple.

Sleeping Arrangements. My boyfriend Nick and I do not share the same comforter on our bed.  We have tried several times over the last 10 years to sleep under the same comforter, but it just never works out.  We have decided to go our separate ways with our individual comforters so that we can still sleep in the same bed.  I have a friend who lives with her boyfriend and she sleeps in a completely separate bedroom because their schedules are total opposite.

Your Dream Job. MSN says that if we are in a serious relationship we should take our dream job in another city or state, and our relationship will survive the long distance.  I have to say that I don’t agree with this point.  If my boyfriend was offered a job in another city or state I would either make the choice to relocate with him, or end the relationship.  Long distance is not my idea of a relationship…unless it’s temporary and he is eventually coming back.

Photo by Craig Bern

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Brian March 29, 2011 at 9:28 am

Individual comforters? Never heard that one before, although I should probably make sure my gf doesnt see this post, we usually have tug o wars in the middle of the night. We definitely do not really discuss our financials either. I know she has money, how much though, thats a different story.

2 Quisha March 29, 2011 at 10:08 am

My boyfriend’s Polish and he’s used to coming from a place where sleeping with separate comforters is the way it’s supposed to be. I guess when you’re sleeping in a twin-sized bed you have to make it work somehow (although you shouldn’t need two comforters if that was the case haha). I think we may go this route soon though.

We’ve been together over 5 years and don’t share accounts or anything because he’s in the process of getting out of a previous relationship and I just want to keep it this way. While things are moving along quite well we will have to discuss these things over the next 6 months. Thanks for breaking it down. It’ll be my template!

3 SAM March 29, 2011 at 11:11 am

We also don’t share comforters — it just doesn’t work for us… We have a king sized bed and we bought a king sized fitted sheet and two twin sized top sheets and comforters. It works perfectly!

4 Jon | Free Money Wisdom March 29, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Long distance sucks! I met my gf online, and let me tell you, if I didn’t think I was going to marry her, there is no way I’d continue with the relationship. It’s getting expensive too!

5 Kristina March 29, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Quisha, I’m Ukrainian…maybe the 2 comforters is an Eastern European thing :-) My boyfriend just read this post and now we are going to share one cover tonight. EERRRR I’ll let you all know how that goes, but I’m going to guess that it’s not going to be good.

6 Dana March 30, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I am right there with you girl about the separate comforters! People who sleep on their stomachs roll and steal all the covers. 2 is the way to go. Btw, no relationship is “perfect” just ask the NBC side of MSN.

7 Donna Freedman April 2, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Glad you’re spending at least some of the holidays with Nick. At some point, adults need to create their OWN traditions if they choose. Some prefer going back to extended family, or going there every other year. Do what feels right to you.

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