Last week at my office I heard a comment from two employees that really bothered me. I am not sure if I should be offended by it, but I am offended and I would really love to know what you think about my co-workers hurtful comments. We are getting ready for the holidays at my office and we are planning a couple of holiday cocktail parties for some of our VIP clients as well as for some prospective clients. Our Branch Manager hopes that this will boost new business in the new year and she is asking (demanding) for everyone’s cooperation.
Both of our holiday parties will take place from 5 pm to 8 pm and all staff members are obliged to attend. Everyone’s cooperation to help plan the events is encouraged (or expected), but not obliged. Candice and Samantha are two other women in DINKS couples who work in my office. I get along with them both very well because we are all approximately the same age, and we can definitely relate to each other’s DINK lifestyle. We enjoy the same activities, we have similar spending habits, and we have very similar home lives since we are all the female parties in Dual Income No Kids couples. Candice is always an active member in the planning of after work activities; she loves to organize events and she really loves to socialize.
Last week I overheard two employees (who are both parents) talking about Candice in our staff kitchen after our Branch Manager announced the expected participation. One of the parent employees said “Well of course Candice is going to plan the event because she doesn’t have anything else in her life.” As the two parent employees saw me enter the kitchen they immediately stopped talking because they both know that I am also in a childless couple and because I am friends with Candice.
Their comments bothered me for a few reasons, first of all we are supposed to be professional adults and talking behind someone else’s back about extracurricular activities seems a little bit Sweet Valley High to me. Secondly, just because we are in DINKS couples who don’t have children doesn’t mean that we don’t have a family; I absolutely consider my boyfriend Nick as my family. Candice is married to her husband and I am not married to my boyfriend, at least she has a spouse. Finally, just because we are DINKS and we don’t have children doesn’t mean that we have an empty life outside of the office.
Having a family is not in everyone’s plans, and not having children does not mean that we don’t have a family. Not everyone is supposed to grow up, get married, and have a big house in the suburbs with 2.3 kids and a dog. I am happy with my current childless life choices, this doesn’t mean that I may not want to have children later, but it also doesn’t mean that I don’t count just because I am a DINK.
Photo by Anna Carol
I have generally found that couples with kids can’t imagine not having kids and they assume that having kids is the right move for everyone. On the other hand, DINKs I have run into are all to willing to admit that having kids is good for some and not for others. I think part of this stems from the commitment that kids require i.e. it would be very difficult for many to deal with the responsibility if they also didn’t keep themselves from even thinking that there’s an alternative.
You absolutely have a right to be offended! Just because the catty high schoolers have chosen to partake in a different lifestyle (i.e. have children), does not mean that your life and your choices aren’t valid or as good. Spitting out kids does not equal quality (or validity) of life and should not be a measure of your worth as a woman. Choosing to exercise free will and pick a life that works for you should be applauded, not demonized. I would put that kind of slight on par with the ‘oh you’ll grow out of not wanting kids – it’s just a phase’ kind of condescension DINKs are prone to face from the ‘my life means nothing without my spawn and I am doing my duty for all humanity’ set.
As our mothers would say, “they’re just jealous!”
I have to agree with Kim. Defiantly jealous! I get the same thing at work sometime, but I just like to turn it around on them. Just start talking about all the fun things your doing while they are cleaning mashed peas out of their purse.
OK so I am officially offended….no what can I do about it?
Wow, I’m offended! That’s bullshit. You have other things to do, and your things are not less important than their things.
Well, I don’t know the individuals involved…but is it possible that Candice really has nothing going on in her life? I’ve worked with people that, sadly, had nothing going on in their personal lives whatsoever and absolutely everything revolved around work. I’m not saying they were workaholics necessarily, they just literally ONLY derived pleasure from and spent time at work. Just chatting late at night until everyone else left, volunteering for stuff there, trying to get co-workers to go drinking all the time, never any non-work friends or experiences to report… work was it… I guess by default, if one has kids, you couldn’t say that about them unless they ignored their kids (which is worse than the former). But for someone without kids AND with no life, perhaps the statement is true?
Regardless of whether it’s true or not, it’s not cool to say. But then again, I’m sure we’ve all gossiped or criticized someone at work at least once. It’s just when you get caught you look like an ass..
Yeah, that’s so stupid for people to look down on others that don’t have kids. I am probably one of the busiest people on the planet and I’m a DINK! I spend a TON of time with my nieces and nephews and with my siblings. I even consider some of my closest friends part of my family.
Like you said, having a husband, a house in the suburbs and a kids doesn’t make you a family. And it doesn’t make DINKS worth any more or less than couples with kids. It’s totally Sweet Valley High!
The comment was inappropriate, but it’s a comment made by one person, who does not represent all individuals with kids. I think the sentiment she was trying to get across is, I can’t believe we need to stay after work hours – it’s going to be hard for those of us with families to coordinate. It’s a much bigger strain for someone with a family to stay after work hours than someone without. You probably have other commitments, but most people would understand if you need to work late one night. If you can’t go home to your child, you need to get your spouse (if you have one) to watch the kid or a babysitter. If your spouse can’t do it and you need a babysitter, you also need to coordinate how the babysitter is going to pick up the child from daycare. Then there’s the additional cost, which in my area is probably $15/hour. Then may also be the need to even find a babysitter, which is another huge headache, so hopefully the spouse can watch the kid. So I the words your colleague used wasn’t appropriate, but the sentiment she was trying to get across was the fact that it’s a major strain for those with kids (especially young kids) to need to stay late at work.
As a former DINK and now a mother of 1 (with a husband), it’s so much harder to have a child than you would think. No matter how busy your life was before having kids, it’s much worse after kids. I actually really enjoying going to Happy Hours and whatnot with my colleagues, but it puts a much larger strain on my partner. We both work full-time. Of course most of us like to make our commitments, but once you make the choice to become a parent, you’re making the choice to give up a tremendous amount of freedom. No matter how ready you think you are, it’s overwhelming how much time and care a child requires – it’s something that just can’t be understood until you have a child or maybe if you need to be responsible for a child 24/7 for 1+months. Even going into parenthood with my eyes wide open, it’s still shocking the lack of freedom one has.
I totally don’t intend to be rude here, but you’re kind of behaving in the same way as those ladies in the staff kitchen by posting “behind their backs” on this blog. If you were offended by what they were saying and how they were saying it (i.e., behind Candice’s and your backs), you should talk to them face to face. Be the bigger girl.
While I can see why you’d take offense to the comment, this was common office banter in my old job, and would be a statement made in a couple scenarios. Sometimes, when planning happy hours – some people would leave it to the single, younger folks because the married folks had other obligations, needed to get home, were more difficult to plan around. Add kids…and even more to plan around. I don’t think they truly intended to mean that DINKs have “nothing else to do in life”…but just that a married couple, or a married couple with kids, would have to drop some more immediate obligations to take over the planning.
And yes – blogging about what people said is talking about them behind their back, unless you’ve shared this with them already. So it’s done by everyone.
I generally found it better to try to ignore the office gossips. They were usually the ones who never got their work done on time and had no plans or goals!
I think the correct response by you would have been, “If by nothing in her life you mean a dead end marriage and loser kids like yours, that’s absolutely correct!”
But that’s why I have no friends and work in my basement. Man, I’m pale.
I agree with Darwin’s Money’s comments… I don’t interpret the comment the same way you did. I could understand being offended if she had said, “Well, I’m sure Candice, Samantha, or Kristina will plan it because they don’t have families.” THEN your reaction would be completely justified. But she was talking about one specific person and saying she had “nothing else in her life,” perhaps meaning besides work and her husband. I think you may be reading into why they stopped talking when you came in… not because you and Candice are both part of childless couples, but because they were rudely gossiping about your friend. That’s my reaction to the situation.
Just came across your post and it screamed out for a comment! Firstly, I DO believe you have a right to be offended. Granted, the office gossips may have just been talking about one specific DINK in THIS case, but (based, unfortunately, upon my and others’ experience w/ office crap and pettiness) you can be sure that the married w/ children woman (or most of them) DO believe your time (as a DINK) is not as “valuable” as their time. You can also be sure most of the ARE jealous, even if they don’t realize it, and it comes out in petty and resentful ways. I remember thinking when I realized this goes on a lot: “Hey, I don’t remember holding a gun to yiur head to force you to marry and spew out a few kids.” No, of course, I could nit say that, nor would I recommend it, as you’d be the “bad guy,” and I think much of their thoughts are not even conscioud to them.
People’s lives outside the job should be of NO relevance in workplace anything….hours at work, work trip expectations, after-hours events prep, etc. IF people are getting paid the same amount for a job as a married/single/DINK/50 kid-household, the work expectations should be the same.
Trust me, Kristen, it is even worse for single women (like myself)! Many coworkers then assume you really have no life, and your time is much less valuable than their’s. And it is NOT the male coworkers who hold your singleness against you, it is the female ones — they are resentful, and “expect” you to work more, go on more work trips, etc, etc. This is totally not fair, of course, nor is it legal. While male CO-WORKERS seem to have no resentment oruse their “married w/ kids” status to assume singles will do more work, etc, etc, male BOSSES do indeed. Male bosses seem to cater to the married w/ kids women….lnot sure why….guessing bec they are more numerous? Or perhaps they feel they simply can take advantage of a single woman more given there is only one income involved (so a single woman who quits would lose all income, whereas a married/partnered woman is likely to be with someone else who is also working).
My advice: Tell your friend Candace to stop being “so” available for after-hours work stuff because soon it will be expected as a “given” and will get worse for her. As for you, as long as you are not “expected” to do more than these gossips, try to shrug it off, and know thar it is THEM and THEIR issues. If they are wining a lot, it is likely they are angry at husbands for not doing their fair share of work or are unhappy with their lives, and doing what a lot of people do — misplacing their anger. It’s not fair, nor right, but a lot of people do that.
Be pleasant and professional w/ these women, but do NOT ever take them into your confidence. Hope that helps!
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