I am 29 years old and I am a DINK. I am in a dual income no kids relationship. I enjoy working and I enjoy spending my money on clothes, trips, and (more recently) my car. However, as I get closer to becoming 30 years old (in October) I am starting to ask myself…Do I want Kids?
I don’t think that I do, because children seem like kind of a hassle. Kids are loud and needy, and they take up a lot of time. Now if I want to go out to a movie or for drinks after work I can. If I don’t feel like cooking dinner I can have a bowl of cereal. If I want to take a nap after work and eat later on at night I can. However, when you have children, you need to have dinner on the table every night. You need to have a daily routine.
I haven’t spent a lot of time with anyone under the age of 20 years old. I babysat for a bit when I was in my teens, but other than that I don’t have any contact with children. None of my friends have kids. I also don’t have any living things in my apartment. Not a plant, not a dog, I don’t even have a goldfish. I have never really taken care of anyone or anything except myself. Maybe I am selfish, but maybe I am smart.
This past weekend I was shopping in the mall and I was in a woman’s clothing store. As a mother tried on her clothes she left her child to run around like a caged animal who had just been released. When I looked over to see what the crazy kid was doing, I realized that he was licking the mirror. Yes, you read it right! The little kid was putting his saliva all over the public mirror. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the proceeded to make “finger paint drawings” with his own spit. How gross is that? No, I don’t think I want kids. Or do I?
I do know that I don’t want to regret my decision not to have kids later on when I am 40 years old. I don’t want to wake up one day in 10 or 15 years and wish I had children. I am at a crossroads, when I am at a personal crossroads in my life I make lists. It helps me to regroup and in a way it calms me down. So here it is… My Pro and Con List for Having Children:
PROS:
- You will never be alone
- You can share your wealth with another person
- ???
- ???
- ???
CONS:
- You are responsible for the kid “until death do you part”
- Kids are Noisy
- Kids are Dirty (I hate germs)
- Kids are Expensive
- ???
That’s all I could come up with, and you can see, the Cons outweigh the Pros. Can you help me fill in the blanks?
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(Photo By NicePhore)
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I really enjoy hearing and reading more about the thoughts of DINK’s. I am a mother of two grown children in my 40’s. I deeply love them both and would give my life for them and I have a very good relationship with each one. They are both very successful and happy adults.
HOwever, I am starting to believe I am a DINK and always have been. I just gave into the the pressure of society that when you get married you have kids. I didn’t realize this until a few years ago.
I do not belive I am any different because of having children, they are not the meaning of life, I do not feel like I contributed to society by having them or I was made complete by having them or the only reason I am happy is because of children or any of the other PRO’s listed.
I do believe you can live a very productive, inpirational and unselfish life by not having kids. I realise this now and would suggest to anyone who may have thoughts of not wanting children to go with your gut instint and not fall into society’s thoughts that children are mandatory and are the only way to feel loved. The worst reason I can think of your having children is because you don’t want to be alone in old age. That is nonsense. You could still find yourself alone in the future even if you have children, there is no guarantee they will care for you. In fact, by raising children you spend less time nurturing other relationships that could have turned out to be more meaningful.
I can’t imagine having kids – I thought I wanted them for a while and at the first false alarm I immediately thought about how to get out of it. (And my mother had me when I she was 17 so – yeah, I get that I wouldn’t be here if she weren’t a teen mother but sometimes I wonder how her life would have turned out if she hadn’t had me because she sure missed out on a lot that didn’t revolve around us kids!) I do love my *friends’* kids though and like spending time with them.
This is the saddest statement I can imagine:
“Are they really going to be happy when they are DINKs at 50 with a lifetime of disposable experiences and things, but no one who really loves them.”
Really. If that’s why you’re having kids – to make sure you have someone who “really” loves you, you might want to think about that. I’m assuming the people who love me now will continue loving me because I’m a good person. And not an insecure freak who doesn’t trust other human beings to have genuine emotions.
Also, I wonder how many people who want to “contribute to society” are helping *other* kids in tutoring or mentoring programs or supporting non-profits that support and nurture the kids who are already here? Just a thought.
I’ve always taken the view that it’s better to regret not having children, than to regret having them…
To all those who say there are plenty of children out there for adoption… sure, there are… if you are interested in adopting a baby with severe mental and physical handicaps or if you’re interested in providing foster care to problem kids.
Otherwise, be prepared to shell out at least $20K and put in a year of your time just to get started.
There are very few healthy babies available for adoption in the United States. China is tightening restrictions on their adoption policies (there is a culture of “dumping” healthy baby girls in China because parents are only allowed one child and girls are a liability while boys are an asset) There are babies available from other countries, but it’s no picnic…
Let’s face it, those of us who dream about becoming parents dream about holding a squirming baby in our arms, watching him or her turn over for the first time, sit up, crawl, take their first steps, learn to talk, blow kisses, discover the moon, learn to color in the lines, learn that red and blue make purple, go to school with a brand-new backpack and a new pencil case filled with newly-sharpened pencils and a mind ready to absorb every new experience.
We want to watch our daughters play with the doll we got for our sixth birthday or our son play with the truck his dad used to play with.
We want to watch our daughters spin around so they can see in the mirror how their skirt flies up.
There is much selfishness in wanting to be a parent. Love is an inherently selfish thing, while also being the most unselfish thing in the world.
Lise is absolutely right. If you regret not having kids, it hurts you, but no one else. If you regret having kids, well… on the bright side, you’re likely contributing to the future income of a therapist or, worst case scenario, prison guard. Have ‘em if you want ‘em. If not, stay clear.
That said, on to the “pros” of having kids. I cannot even begin to describe the joy I feel whenever I hear my 1 year old say “Papa!” Are we tired? Sure. But there is so much joy and wonder watching this little person grow and explore. It truly is a miracle.
I also feel like my son inspires me to be a better man. I’ve cleaned up my language (not just profanity, but being careful to say as many positive things and as few negative things as possible). It’s important to me to be as good an example to him as I can be.
I’m more confident & capable. Parenting really throws you into the deep end, but you’ll discover reserves you never knew you had.
I appreciate the little things more. Watching him watch simple, beautiful things (pretty leaves falling, or whatnot) reminds me to SEE the beauty around me.
As to whether to have ‘em, I can only say you’ll know in your heart when you’re ready. I’m sorry I can’t be more precise than that, but I feel like it’s absolutely true.
Listen to your gut instincts and make your decision based on what you want out of your life—not what our culture or family,etc., is pressuring you to do or not do.
I entered my married life (25 years ago this month!) stating that I didn’t think I was prepared to ever be a parent—-my mom was an alcoholic/distant parent and I had all the feelings you have towards children (loud, messy,etc) so I spent the next six years quietly gathering information about myself and parenting.
One day I woke up and it hit me: I wanted to take a leap of faith and become a parent.
And here’s what I’ve found:
It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had with the most rewards.
I’m happy I don’t fall for “peer pressure” because the second you become a parent the world wants to tell you how to parent,etc.
It turns out that like adults SOME children are loud & messy (fill in the negatives) and others fill the world with fantastic art, music, writing, out-of-the-box creativity that blows your mind. That said, in my experience the “out of control” children are a product of “non-parenting” types who think you just pop out a child and then ignore them so the parent can get on with more interesting things to do…..Actual parenting is a SKILL that you develop because every day as a parent you are teaching, teaching, teaching, your children how to be good citizens with good manners, interpersonal skills,etc.,etc. My basic motto of parenting is to be Firm, Fair and Fun and to raise children who behave in such a way that other adults welcome having them around.
For someone who swore she’d never have children I count myself lucky every day to know these people that I brought to this party called Life.
Kate makes a good point when she writes: “the second you become a parent the world wants to tell you how to parent.”
The issue isn’t just that there’s a cultural/religious expectation to have children. The issue is broader, and is faced by all women – the perception of your body as communal property.
As someone who is childless by choice, I know I get comments on my desire to not have children, but I also know that women who are childless NOT by choice get hounded about their decision to have children, women with one child get asked when they’re going to have more (and everybody has an opinion on how they should be raised), and women with too many children (think Octomom) are derided, too. How does this make sense unless we feel that we hold a communal stake in a woman’s reproduction?
I guess I’m a DINK but not out of any choice of my own. I’m certainly not smart and definitely not selfish, but simply wasn’t able to have kids although I dearly wanted them. I always wanted to be a mom and encourage a new life to grow up to be someone strong and free and able to be who they were meant to be but that hasn’t happened. Now I have to think about other kinds of connections and families and what gives my life meaning. I see all sorts of parents who are atrocious with their children and the unfairness of it slams me in the face. Having a child to raise to become themselves is a gift that not everyone receives.
I’ve always told people who are “thinking about” kids not to. If you aren’t sure you want them, then you probably don’t. I wish more people who didn’t want kids wouldn’t have them.
That said, my children are true joys. No, not perfect kids who are always well-behaved, but a joy to me. Sometimes I look at them and I can feel my heart growing, like the Grinch at the end of the story. They have forced me to grow in ways I never dreamed would happen, as I try to encourage them to grow in their own skills and talents. I like to tell people that they’ve taught me patience, but there is so much more. I’m an introvert, and encouraging my naturally extroverted child, rather than stifling her natural instincts, has taught me a lot. I’m sedentary (even as a child), and my extremely physically active children have forced me to participate in activities I would never have tried, otherwise (white-water rafting).
But don’t all relationships where we truly open our hearts to another do that? Or what’s the point? Children aren’t the only way to have those kind of life-altering, life-enriching experiences. If I hadn’t first had a relationship like that with friends, with family, and especially with my husband, I never would have had that kind of relationship with my children.
One more short point: there are hundreds of ways to be meaningful in the life of a child besides parenting one.
Just a note. I was a DINK for 27 years, childless, but not by choice. Divorced, remarried a man that is ten years younger than me. He is BY FAR more mature than ex-husband, more settled in his head about who he is, what he wants. He and I have set goals and have made more progress toward them than I could have ever believed–my ex and I set them and never met them and ignored them. I know that part of the man that my husband is and that my ex-husband wasn’t is the fact that my current (and final) husband had children and raised them to nearly grown before I met him.
If you are not sure about having kids then don’t. The ONLY reason to have children is because you can’t imagine your life without them. I decided at 14 that I did not need or want children (I’m 51 now) and have never once regretted that decision. My husband and I are extremely close, we have friends and animals to nurture and consider ourselves very blessed with our life. Many people have called me selfish and unaware of my real needs, but this is not the case. If you know yourself thoroughly and truly believe that you do not want children then please do not have them anyway….they will know they are unwanted. Not everyone wants children or is cut out to be a parent, there is nothing wrong with the choice not to. Please be true to yourself first and foremost, you will never regret that.
DINKS – Smart or Selfish? I think neither… and both.
It’s smart to think and talk about whether or not having kids is something you and your partner want. Whatever decision you come up with is neither selfish or unselfish – it’s just a personal decision.
I’m 54, my husband is 51 – we’re DINK’s and no guilt.
It’s really sad when 1 mother’s poor choice influences the choices of others. I would not allow my child (& I have 2 little ones) to run around a store without my supervision. My concern is more about someone taking him/her (or that he would get sick from licking the mirror), but I would never do that nonetheless. Either stay home, find a babysitter, or don’t try on the clothing & just return it if it doesn’t fit.
That being said, I imagine it’s worse to regret having the children rather than not having them – I have to agree with other posters. However, IMO, my kids are a blessing.
I never thought of myself as a selfish person, but having kids made me realize how much I was & still am. I learn so much from them! My son is 3 & daughter is 6 months. Being pregnant & nursing means that your body is not your own for a while. But you know that feeling you get from doing community service? It’s like that times 5000. It was a pleasure to sacrifice because the results are worth whatever I had to endure to get there. Anything wonderful in life is worth working for. “No pain no gain”.
My 3 yr old is a whirlwind of energy & really tires me out, but everyday he teaches me new ways to look at the world. He reminds me how to play, have fun, & approach life with arms wide open. He amusingly challenges me to answer his questions about life – what I may think is common sense but needs to be explained to a kid. I learn more about science & sociology by trying to find answers to his questions. He makes me a better person.
I didn’t have them to love me, or with the intention to teach me, but that’s what they do. I love them simply because they’re mine. They love me simply because I’m theirs. They help me learn humility, selflessness, childlike joy, & unconditional love.
Don’t get me wrong. He throws temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. He has to be taught not to pick his nose. & yeah, I have more laundry & chores. But my parents had to teach me how to behave too. I’m not better than them because I’m older. I’m just older.
Just my 2 cents to help your fill the blanks :)
I agree that you shouldn’t have children if you’re not 100% sure you want them.
One could argue that by having children you’re being selfish — you’re bringing even more life into an already overpopulated planet, making it harder for others (and their children) to lead good lives in the future.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a DINK. My GF and I are DINKs and don’t see a problem with it. I’m a college student running a business, and she is changing careers, so it makes sense for us not to have children.
It’s not really selfish to put the priority on yourself if you don’t have kids, to me it’s more selfish to expect that someone will reproduce just because that’s what everyone else is doing. It’s smart to focus on improving your own life before you drag other people (ie kids) into it. Ultimately I’ll be adopting (kids are great), but I don’t regret waiting at all.
RE: ADOPTION:
Despite the common belief, there really are plenty of healthy children who need adoptive homes. I’ve done research over years, met with adoption agencies, asked social workers directly, talked the situation over with foster-adopt agents and everything else under the sun. They are ready and waiting for you to adopt.
The caveats (assuming you want to adopt):
1) You may not be the same race as the needy children in your area. To me this is no big deal.
2) While they are all children, most are not infants. Infants are usually adopted through independent agencies, which costs more in legal fees, medical, etc. That’s because when you adopt from the state, those costs are greatly subsidized by the government. Most children who are permanently removed from parental care (ie foster-adopt kids) are in the 2-10 range.
3) The kids listed on “waiting children” websites ALL have problems — they are on the website because they are hard to adopt. This seems obvious to me, but I hear about that constantly. They aren’t representative of adoptable children at all.
4) Pre-natal care and labor cost $10k-$15k in the US, so if you aren’t comfortable with spending that same amount on legal/medical for an adopted child, you should re-evaluate your priorities. I’m sooo tired of seeing people who are open to spending $15k per round of IVF, but who balk at adoption as “too expensive.” In some areas, public adoption is VERY low-cost and subsidized by the state.
5) In some areas, you have to have been married for at least X years, but you can adopt as a single person if you aren’t married.
Having children is one of those things you must do, in order to know for sure if it was the right or wrong thing to do. I have two adult kids for whom I would die or even kill, but in hindsight, I believe I would have had a better life without them. The con’s outweight the pros looking back. If I had to do it over again, I’d get a kitten or puppy. Talk about unconditional love!
You know what, we have two children and they are the absolute joys of my life. Everyone should think about having kids.
@ DW
could we be twins?
i am 38 this year. my only child, my darling daughter graduates high school june 2012.
i feel like you took the words out of my mouth. totally.
all hail to dink-y couples everywhere! lol :-)
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