Dealing with couples finance issues has a bit to do with finances and a lot to do with being a couple. After all the numbers themselves are only part of the equation. More important is how you relate to each other about finances.
Our main inspiration in starting this blog was to share our experience in navigating this process ourselves. Now we've gone from being and the cusp of getting married, to managing a year of long distance marriage, to now readjusting to a new honeymoon phase.
I mentioned to someone that we have a couples finance blog and they responded, "and you're still married!" On reflection, here are the things that have helped us through this process:
Communication is the key to managing finances. Without being clear about expectations, it is very easy to fall short of both your partner's expectations and your own.
Learn your partner. I say this in an active sense, as it is an on-going process. Don't be fooled into thinking that you can learn everything about your significant other and then move on. This means sensing when to engage in finance discussions and when to wait until a better time.
Room to breathe is a must. We believe in keeping our finances linked, but also giving each other space to do as we like. This includes giving room to make mistakes. We work for our goals jointly, but we manage most of our finances separately. The nitty gritty is that I don't harangue James for spending on movie rentals (now netflix helps too!) and James doesn't question (much) when I go out with friends or buy something new.
Goals are essential to both managing your finances and reaching your dreams. This is after all why you are with your partner, to pursue your life dreams together. Taking time to routinely set goals and establish what it is that you are focusing on in your lives will make you both happier, healthier and wealthier. Keep in mind that this doesn't always mean being frugal. It might mean you jointly decide to splurge a bit on the comforts in life, doing so will be enjoyed rather than possibly resented.
Support is also part of a progressive relationship. There may be times when the support leans more one way or another, but you'll know that they'll be room to lean on your partner when you need it most.
Touch base often. For us, our blog helps to serve this purpose well. Before starting DINKs we often spent Saturday mornings dealing with pending financial issues and discussing our goals. Finances are fluid and need to be dealt with accordingly. Ignoring issues doesn't help.
Readers: Please share what things you've found work best in supporting your relationship around finances.
Best,
Miel
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8 comments
Good advice, I have a horrible time being able to manage money with other people.
I have my own plans, and the more brains that are involved the more complicated things get.
PennySeeds - Good point, these tips works for managing money with friends and family as well.
Best,
Miel
My girlfriend and I aren't at the point of sharing finances yet, but it could be headed that way. We do well together, so I don't expect the topic of finance to cause any hostility, but then again, money rules..
Nick - Yes, getting along in general certainly helps finances. I think a key to integrating finances at the initial stages of doing so is openness about expectations. It is so easy just to assume. Good luck with the next steps and stay tuned for more info to help in that process.
Cheers,
Miel
My wife and I eased into it. When we were engaged, we put each other on our respective bank accounts and once married, combined in joint checking. Communication is key and it helps that we have the same(ish) goals. We had some bumps and mistakes along the way, but have worked through them. We are both completely transparent to each other. We have a list of all online usernames and password so each of us check whatever whenever we want. Fun!
My wife and I keep the majority of our finances jointly. But we have a small allowance that gets deposited from our paychecks into our separate bank accounts. This allows us the freedom of spending without consultation of the other. It just a small amount but it removes the annoyance at different patterns. The downside is that it is yet another account to manage.
Ed - Yes, having separate money may mean extra accounts, but we find it to be well worth it. It can also be easier to manage them separately then to wonder about spending levels and so forth.
Cheers,
Miel
When I got married, I was in the position of earning much less and also being less financially responsible. Since he's practically a finances god (and men don't have to buy new clothes or shoes all the time!), that was really a blow to my self-esteem. He was so much further ahead than I on every measure, but I was frustrated because he also made twice what I did. I couldn't help but feel like both of us were treating me like the financial idiot, when it wasn't all about me, and partly about my income. That led to an automatic tightening up with any money conversation, which led to a lot more squabbles than necessary that first 6 months. Couples really do need to work through money issues carefully - it can be done, but there are so many emotional issues that go along with it!
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